I was a little nervous about the whole thing. What if I dropped him? What if I slipped? What if my nudity somehow traumatized him?
These were my fears as I filled up the tub, but as soon as his little feet touched the water they were erased. His face broke into a huge smile – a look of utter joy. As I eased him into the bath he squealed and squawked in delight. Once his body was submerged he began to float, then to wriggle – as if he wanted to just swim away.
I gave him as much freedom as I could while keeping a firm grip and his head above water. He kicked and splashed – totally at home in this little wet world.
When we were done we dried off, dressed, and nursed. I held him in my arms and realized that having him was the best choice I ever made.
I wanted a baby for so long, and often when we want things so intensely we are let down when we finally get them – the reality never quite living up to the dream. It's not like that with him. Not at all. When it comes to being a Mother, the reality left my dream in the dust.
I hope I never forget the way he smiled tonight, or the way his little face reassured me. It was like he was saying "It's OK, Mama. I know how to do this."
When I stop and think about it, I guess he's been telling me that all along.