It's official.
Thanks to a blood test yesterday afternoon, my frantic and harried suspicions have been confirmed. This time we are actually pregnant.
I didn't expect it to have such a drastic and immedidate physical effect, but I guess it's like they say, everyone is different. Since the beginning of this cycle, I've been hyper-aware of the lower half of my body. It started with cramps and sharp pains on my left side, which intensified as we got closer and closer to ovulation. This was my first month taking Femara, which was meant to increase the size, number, and viability of the eggs I would release at ovulation. I wasn't surprised on the day of our pre-ovulation ultrasound to find two oversized eggs on my left side. I could feel them there.
After the nurse administered the Ovedril shot to force ovulation, the feelings on my left side got even stronger. Over the next week I could feel the eggs leaving the ovary and travelling down the tubes toward my uterus. This strange, new feeling was accompanied by a fluttering in my uterus, almost like butterflies, and consistent cramping and gas. My stomach was queasy. I couldn't stay asleep for more than a few hours at a time, and I could feel waves of chemical emotions running through my body. Still, I couldn't be sure if this meant pregnancy, or if it was just my body reacting to the drugs.
On week 3, I felt an abrupt change. The pain in my left side had disappeared, my appetite had mostly returned, and I was sleeping through the night. I had a short period of panic, worrying that my dissapated symptoms meant that the eggs had not implanted. After a solid freak-out, which included frantic texts to my best friend and sister, I realized that I was behaving pretty irrationally, which was a good sign, right? Later that day I teared up when I couldn't find Terra Chips at the grocery store, and was brought to full-on tears by a song on the Country radio station. By the end of the third week, the gas and cramping returned too, making me feel a whole lot more confident that I might be pregnant after all.
Week 4 was tough, not because it was any harder on my body, simply because waiting to take the pregnancy test was torture. The more pregnant I felt, the more crushed I knew I would be if it turned out to be false. After trying to conceive for more than two years, it was hard to have faith in my feelings, and even harder to stay positive when such a huge part of me wanted to put up a wall and protect myself from disappointment. I nearly gave in and tested early several times during the last few days of waiting. I don't think I've had that strong of an irrational urge since I quit smoking.
Finally, the day came: fourteen days from ovulation. This was the first day I could be sure that the Ovedril shot would not interfere with my pregnancy test. I woke up at 5:00 am, like a kid on Christmas, and lay in bed, wide awake until Scott got up at 6:00. We tested, and there it was, that elsive second line. Later that day my doctor ordered a blood test, and just after 6:00 pm, we got the official results. What a day!
Today started Week 5. According to the internet, our baby (or babies) is the size of an appleseed, and just beginning to form vital organs. It doesn't feel quite real yet, but it's sinking in. What I do feel, very clearly, is an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude. You might call it bliss.