I'm gonna barf.
No wait, I'm hungry. Maybe I want some lunch.
Oh god, this lunch makes me want to barf.
And thus describes most of the past month. Right now I am really wishing that I wasn't on this mad diet, because I am hungry, and the only things that I can stomach are strictly off limits.
I have a theory about why everything bagels and pizza don't make me ill, while salads and chicken breast does. It's the shark brain, you see. When food is tasty enough, packed with things like sugar, salt, calories, or fat, a little pleasure sensor goes off in your brain, simultaneously shutting down the satiation alarms in your stomach.
While that is normally a really good thing, my satiation alarms seem to be a bit overzealous lately. No matter how hungry I am, my stomach begins turning after the first few bites of a meal. It's maddening. Plus, the lack of food is making me dizzy, cranky, and extra lethargic. What's even more bizarre is that I find myself suddenly ravenous around 7 pm every night. It's like my body wants to make up for the day's starvation as soon as night falls. My growling stomach keeps me awake in bed until I give in and find a midnight snack.
I don't mind being sick from being pregnant. I know that sounds like a ridiculous statement to make after spilling out several paragraphs of complaint, but really, I'm grateful to be pregnant, and I know that whatever discomfort I'm going through will pass, and I'd be willing to go through pretty much anything to have a baby.
What's bothering me is that there is a perfectly good everything bagel in the kitchen and instead of eating it I am sitting here hungry, nauseous, and frankly, a little sad. I'm wondering whether this torture is worth delivering in a birthing center rather than a hospital? Will this pass soon? Will I really have more energy in a few weeks? Enough to start cooking again and make myself some food I actually want to eat?
It's not like I WANT to gain a ton of weight or get diabetes, but it's just so damn hard to be sick, worried, hungry, and hormonal all at the same time. So much of me wants to just go an solve the one problem I actually have control over. Plus, since I discovered the undeniable correlation between physical activity and bleeding, I have dropped exercise all together, making me wonder if it's even possible for me to meet the midwive's expectations anyway? I'm really scared that I'm going to get on the scale tomorrow and get harangued.
I guess I should have made losing weight a bigger priority while we were waiting to get pregnant, but I felt like that added stress was working against us, so I gave it up and just did what felt right. I ate healthy food, exercised when I could, and drowned my sorrows in work. I know that nobody is perfect, and we did succeed at the most important thing, getting pregnant. So why do I feel like a big fat failure?
I guess we'll see how to appointment with the midwives goes tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it will be positive. I need just one medical professional to reassure me instead of scare me. Just one. I'm tired of hearing about how I should be prepared for the worst. I want a green light to start getting excited for the best instead. I want to be happy. I want to be able to tell people without the lingering fear of loss. I need some support, and I feel like all I've gotten so far is a lot of negativity.
If they aren't nice to me tomorrow I'm just going to have to keep looking for another doctor. We'll see.