Twelve Months in Babyland

I was old enough when I had CC to realize just how fleeting his babyhood would be. Many times over the past year I paused to try and save a moment in time. I tried to freeze it by closing my eyes and telling myself to remember. I can't be sure I got them all, but here are a few that made it.

These are the memories that come to mind when I think of the past year.

• The feeling of his tiny, 5 and a half pound body draped over my shoulder. His entire back encased by the palm of my hand. The still-sporadic rhythm of soft baby breath against my neck. How tiny and shrunken he looked in the newborn-sized clothes we had waiting for him.
• My surprise at the incredible strength and determination this tiny TINY baby managed to display. The nurse, Renee, called him Mighty Might.
• Snapping at my mother like a wild animal when she made a harmless remark about his umbilical cord stump. (Post-partum hormones and fresh maternal instincts are an intense combination.)

• The first time his tiny hand wrapped around one of my fingers while he nursed.
• That time I reached out to touch him in the middle of the night and for a moment only felt that he was cold and un-moving. How my heart stopped and even after he moved and turned out to be totally fine I cried my eyes out.
• When he started smiling in the mornings. I would hear him cooing and growling to himself in the bassinet, then get up to pick him up. When he saw my face he would smile this big beautiful baby smile and any pain he had put me through the night before was instantly forgiven.

• When I realized he wasn't just sucking on my face – he was giving me a kiss.
• Nursing him in the bath tub.
• Crying at the pediatrician's office because he was sick AGAIN and I felt like I must be doing something very wrong.
• The overwhelming urge to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him.
• Laying in bed with Scott on one side, me on the other, and CC in between – enjoying the best group hug of my entire life and realizing exactly how wonderful it is to be a family. 
• Pulling his high chair up to the kitchen table and having dinner together. 

• How I jumped for joy (literally) the first time I heard him call me "mama". 
• The night I finally hit the wall after 10 months without a decent night's sleep.
• Getting raspberries on my tummy from a squealing, giggling toddler.
• The weight of his ever-growing body in my arms when I first pick him up – and how good it feels there, even in the middle of the night when I'd rather be sleeping.
• Playing one of his favorite games where we hide under a baby blanket together, giggle, then emerge, only to do it all over again. 

• Getting post-partum depression at eight months. 
• The first time he laughed at his favorite part of his favorite book – letting me know that he was capable of having a favorite part in a favorite book and thus blowing my mind. 
• Feeling whole and happy down to the bottom of my soul for the first time in my life.
• Realizing just how vulnerable I am now that my heart walks around outside my body.
• Finally understanding what people mean when they say "it goes so fast".